Elon Musk's Conquest of Mars
A Kindhearted, Non-Partisan, Tongue-in-Cheek Parody
Looking for psychological military science fiction? Read about the adventure of veteran Brendan Murphy as he tries to keep peace between Earth and a mysterious alien race known as the Sabia. Read the Fallen series today! Please remember to leave a review once you are done. Reviews are the lifeblood of independent creators.
Elon Musk’s Conquest of Mars - A Kind Hearted, Non-Partisan, Tongue-in-Cheek Parody
This is a parody of Edison’s Conquest of Mars, the 1898 unofficial sequel, fan fiction to War of the Worlds. See my review of Edison’s Conquest of Mars for context.
Who am I? Nobody, really. I guess that makes me Grand Admiral Nobody. My experience being an emigrant from my homeland taught me one thing: no one kills the night janitor. Far left Soviet commissar-wannabes thought the night janitor as a fellow proletariat, while far right Waffen SS-posers believed those in the profession were perfect underlings. So, even with my history Ph.D., I did nocturnal facilities management for a living.
I worked as a night janitor in my country until the fifth coup ruined the economy. After losing my job and being offered a position in my cousin’s bank, I knew it was time to flee to safety. It was with a bit of irony that the only job I was qualified for in America was a night janitor spot at NASA’s Washington, DC headquarters.
During the Martian attack, my survival was, I believe, due to the aliens respecting my act of sweeping up my vaporized colleagues' ashes. “Why kill the one guy who is cleaning up our future conquest?” I guessed they thought.
Most Americans were only exposed to the Martian attacks through their curated social media streams. This led many to believe the aliens were only assaulting locales full of people with differing political opinions. After the attack was over, many posts I read said, “Let’s hear them out.”
Oddly enough, the Martians’ vaporization ray guns caused over-medicated Americans’ blood to become an aerosol that killed the alien invaders. Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. gave a good speech afterwards in which he said, “If these pills kill Martians, imagine what it is doing to you!”
A week after the attack, the military finally reentered DC. As I was the only one showing up to work - I had to clean up a lot - DOGE promoted me to the head of NASA.
My first cabinet meeting was the next day. The forum r/astronomy had detected strange lights on Mars. Everyone feared an invasion. A quick international video teleconference was held with all world leaders except for the emir of the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan. When he was told the Pakistani military had engaged the Martians in an epic battle in Islamabad, the emir replied, “Are the Martians going to be okay?” After hearing that, the world agreed that it was best to leave Afghanistan out of any planning.
The teleconference was an affair to remember. First, we tariffed the Martians, and then President Trump announced a 10% tariff on half the world because a Grok AI search of all shared classified documents about the alien invasion revealed nearly one hundred countries had the the Martians as their main trade partner. However, Trump dropped the tariffs when Grok discovered that many American companies already had manufacturing deals with the aliens. The president managed to overcome everyone’s embarrassment by making a vague vow to make the Martians to pay for the invasion’s damages.
It was then that Elon Musk stated he had a fleet of SpaceX CyberStarships that could launch in a week. All he needed was an international crew to man them. The countries of the world voted and named Elon the head of the expedition, giving him the title Grand Admiral. They also pledged to send their militaries, and I, as an American but also an emigrant, was named Vice Admiral of the Space Fleet. When Trump announced that the United States would not subsidize the other countries’ contributions, most withdrew their support. However, China announced a $1 surcharge on all exports, allowing it not only to fund their portion but also turn a profit. I was at the end of the day we got the only other contribution. After the press reported on a massive Bitcoin theft, Kim Jong Un announced the organization of an “All Volunteer People’s Force to Liberate the Workers of Mars.”
On launch day, Commander Musk gave a speech that ended with him stating his heart went out to the entire world. Screams of “No!” were heard throughout the crowd. Thankfully, that was the end of that. Or so people on Earth thought. After we left Earth’s orbit, he held his first command meeting where he said it may be necessary to populate Mars after our conquest. I immediately ordered the Marines to keep Elon away from female crew members at all times.
When we arrived above the red planet, the fleet’s AI, HalG as retributionrok, recommended a quick raid to gain intel on the Martians. Commander Musk led a platoon of Chinese soldiers armed with Boring Company Not-a-Flamethrowers. I waited on the ship, imagining that a defeat may require my promotion. To my surprise, not only did everyone survive, but they brought back a blonde hair, blue-eyed woman.
The woman spoke perfect King’s English, but she stated it was her people’s tongues for thousands of years. Grand Admiral Musk said, “@HalGrok, is this true?” HalGrok responded with the nineteenth century French priest Henri Boudet’s theory that Punic, Hebrew, Celtic, and other ancient languages came from an even older tongue that was identical to English. Needless to say, I became depressed knowing my history degrees were now worthless.
She called herself Ankhta and told us about how the Martians took her people from ancient Egypt because the aliens admired the canals the Egyptians had built. Up until recently, the Martians kept these blonde-haired, blue-eyed humans as slaves to manage the canal system on the planet. However, the Martians were enraged at their recent defeat on Earth and began killing all human slaves as retribution.
We contacted Earth to discuss with world leaders this piece of intelligence as well as our plans. Minutes afterwards, the plans were leaked on messenger apps. The plus side of this was that the Russian Telegraph channels played out over fifty scenarios of attack, which aided our planning. The down side was Earth leaders were too divided over whether or not there was a genocide against the blonde-haired, blue-eyed slaves to give us any advice. When we intercepted a message from the Martian king to the BBC stating there was no human genocide on Mars, we knew the Martians had compromised our comms and it was time to attack.
All the sudden, a massive Martian fleet rose from the surface destroy us. With superior electric drives, we flew around the aliens and landed at a canal control station. The American Marines were used to make safe our ships while the Chinese and North Korean soldiers secured the control station.
Elon asked Ankhta if she could show us how to flood the entire planet. She said it was possible, but it would require creating new options on the giant control panel and that would take years to do because of all the approvals needed. In response, Elon had one of his DOGE engineers, a kid who referred to himself as Kaptain SpaceBallz 69, make an interactive user interface within 30 seconds.
The greatest event of Martiancide to ever occur took place that day, with all the canals emptying their giant water holds onto the various cities of the fourth planet. The shocked Martian fleet came to rescue their drowning kin. Many of the ships came too close to the surging waters, and the waves knocked them out of the red sky. Elon, Ankhta, and I headed back to our ships with the Chinese soldiers, though we watched with surprise as the North Koreans began looting everything. As we lifted off, I could only fear we might have planted the seeds for future conflict with Mars.
Our return to Earth was triumphant, for the most part. The world celebrated the victory and lack of American and Chinese deaths. Meanwhile, North Korean press reported that the “imperialist Martians had been crushed and that Kim Jong Un was personally overseeing the building of a Juche utopia on Mars.” I thought it was going to be forever considered an amazing success, but the press soon derided our failure to bring anything back to “make Mars pay for the rebuilding of Earth.” Congress itself didn’t seem to mind, though, as this gave them an excuse to do even more deficit spending. Social media users blamed their political rivals for all this.
As for Elon, he announced his resignation as Grand Admiral - there was a surreal social media fight that involved the Big Beautiful Martian Bill and whether or not Trump would allow subsidies for Neuralink for Martians - and his marriage to Ankhta. Somehow, I feel I failed her. I was unable to feel too bad for myself, though, as President Trump appointed me Grand Admiral of a new space fleet. Our tasked mission, as it was just told to me, was to really find out if women were from Venus.
Maybe they need a night janitor.
The End
Author Spotlight
In this new, semi-regular section I will offer quick interviews of authors I have gotten to know. If you are interested in being interviewed, get in touch and we’ll see if we can work something out.
In this inaugural episode, I interview Thomas Salerno. Thomas works in a museum, has written non-fiction book for young readers about the father of the field of geology, and has started a paranormal, military thriller on Substack.
Check out his Substack!
Other Independent Book Promotions
Sorcerous (Rise of the Charioteer #1) by Susan Laspe - Book for Sale for $2.99
Medieval England meets Roman Mythology
A powerful goddess
A cursed knight
A cryptic prophecy
AD 1356 -
Padric thinks his recent assignment as lieutenant knight of quiet Chaddesden, Derbyshire, should be easy enough to manage. Until villagers disappear under mysterious circumstances, and the task falls on Padric to find them. However, his investigations become complicated when a cryptic prophecy charges him to rescue the villagers and find an ancient artifact before the solstice.
As though that weren’t enough, days later, the mastermind behind the chaos is revealed: a powerful sorceress. Their encounter leaves Padric cursed, transformed into a creature out of ancient Roman mythology, half-man and half-beast.
When the wounded, cursed knight, shows up practically on Brynwen’s doorstep, she doesn’t know what to think. Is he a demon? The person behind the kidnappings? One thing is certain: Her safe world is spiraling out of control as, one-by-one, her friends and family members vanish. But despite her misgivings, Padric might be the one person—creature?—who can help her rescue those she loves.
To reverse the curse and rescue the villagers, they must find the sorceress’s lair. Yet there is more at stake than their safety—the entire world will be in grave peril if they don’t reach them in time.
For fans of Percy Jackson and Narnia, this book of mythology and magic set in the Middle Ages is a must!
Servant of the Crown by Paul J Bennett - Free Book
An old warrior, too stubborn to die. A royal heir, hidden since birth.
Can they save a realm on the brink of war?
Tragedy tears Gerald's world apart and only his unwavering loyalty saves him. After serving as a soldier for years, a single act of self-sacrifice thrusts his future into the world of politics.
Cut off from all he knows, he becomes no more than a pawn to those in command. Banished with little more than the clothes on his back, he seeks a new purpose, for what is a warrior who has nothing left to fight for?
A fateful meeting with another lost soul unmasks a shocking secret, compelling him to take up the mantle of guardian. Bandits, the Black Hand, and even the king, he battles them all for the future of the realm.
Memories of the past, secrets that shape the future; his adventure is only the beginning.
Servant of the Crown is the series starter in the epic Heir to the Crown medieval fantasy series. If you like realistic fight scenes, compelling characters, and a gripping story, then you will love Paul J Bennett's tale of a warrior who refuses to retreat.
Pick up your copy of Servant of the Crown, and discover the realm of Merceria today!
The Inn at the Forest's Edge: A Fantasy Novelette by Raymond Keth - Book for Sale for $3.99
A quiet stable boy. A charming maiden. A forbidding forest. But each is more than it seems.
Johann jumped at the offer to work at a local inn for the summer and to get away from the drudgery of the farm. His enthusiasm only increased when he met the tavern owner’s enchanting niece, Faeyn. It wasn’t long before Johann realized that there was something different about the innkeeper and his sister, not to mention the knife-wielding bard and the heavily scarred steed in the stables. Strangest of all was the ominous VenKeth, a vast labyrinthian forest upon whose shadowy edge the property perched. When the inn is attacked and Faeyn kidnapped, the untested youth must find the courage to venture into the frightful woods with only the mysterious creature from the stables to aid him. Will Johann be able to rescue Faeyn and survive the perils of the VenKeth?
If you enjoy The Lord of the Rings, coming of age stories, classic heroics, and mythical creatures, you will enjoy this fantasy novelette. No romance or romance secondary to story.
Explore the mystical Forest now!
Epic fantasy adventure with timeless values.
Secrets of the Ancient Ram Inn by Grant Kelly - Free Book
Step into one of England’s most haunted locations in Secrets of the Ancient Ram Inn. Nestled in the quaint village of Wotton-under-Edge, the Ancient Ram Inn harbours a dark legacy spanning nearly a thousand years. Built on a pagan burial ground and intersecting powerful ley lines, this eerie inn is a magnet for the supernatural. From the ghostly Silent Watcher in the attic to the phantom children’s laughter echoing in the halls, each room tells a chilling tale.
Discover the horrors of the Sacrificial Pit, the sinister energy of the Witch’s Room, and the lingering spirit of John Humphries, the inn’s devoted caretaker. With gripping firsthand accounts and hair-raising paranormal investigations, this book explores the shadowy past and terrifying hauntings that have made the Ancient Ram Inn a global paranormal hotspot.
Until Next Time
Next time will feature a roundtable of military science fiction authors. Then, I will continue the religion and aliens series by looking at Out of Mainstream Catholicism. It’s a fun one.
As always, please leave a comment with any questions, reviews, thoughts, whatever about Fallen, Risen, Dormition, An Odd Pilgrimage, The Savannah Paranormal Detective Agency or whatever else I have discussed. I promise to reply!